Transliteration:
Title: Jala howa gulaab tha.
Gham ke konwain mein dooba tha wo,
Tanhai kai ghaar mai rehta tha wo.
Khaamoshi kai qilai mai panah laita tha wo,
Insaan ki hasrat to jaanta tha wo.
Dard o dukh samajh na ka talib tha wo,
Mehnat o mushaqqat ka aalim tha wo.
Magr lutf o maza na jaanta tha wo,
Chaand ki chamak ko na pahchaanta tha wo.
Dosroon ko khush rakhna apna maqsad samajhta tha wo,
Muskorahat kai peechai apna gham chupa deta tha wo.
Umeed bharay dil ka shayad malik tha wo,
Khuda ka yaqeenan aabid tha wo,
Magr mot/maut ka yaqeenan sabir tha wo.
Awesome. Really. Loved how you did that.
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Really? Aweome! 😀 I am so happy to hear that,sacchi! ❤
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What was that actually? Come on you must be a lot better than this (idk your name)
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Actually,it is a poem.
I like what I’ve written.In sha Allah I can improve. (You don’t have to know my name. 😛 )
Thank you for stopping by.
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I know it is a poem. There are alot of weaknesses in it i am afraid. Yes there is always improvement and am glad u accept that part. I dont need to know your name lol.
Would be glad if I am of any help regarding urdu poetry.
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I would be happy if you could explain the weaknesses.
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Sure…
First couplet: kuwain ghalat likha ha and tanhai ki ghaar hota ha.
Second couplet: no spelling error but the couplet is quite weak and the balance in weight doesn’t exist.
Third: again no sense in it. First sentence says talib of dard and dukh etc second one says mushaqat ka alim ok it is a descriptive couplet but we are at thrid couplet so it doesn’t suit the poem. Again wazn barabar ni tha.
Fourth: best thing about this poem. I liked it
Fifth: this is so easy. And so lengthy like a prose. Poetry means usuage of minimum words.
Last couplet? Well you wrote a tarweeni (3 misron ka band) idk its called a triplet in English. You broke the pattern of your whole poem there. Plus its weight again look at it. And hey last line says mout ka sabir tha. Means mout pe sabr krne wala. What does that even mean how does a person be sabir on death as it occurs and boom sb khatam.
There are some other things too but these are enough for you to kill me 😀
Sorry I really like to help people with urdu poetry and I have to be completely honest with my criticism.
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First couplet:
Kaisai likhtai hai kuwain phir?
tanhai KI ghaar. KI? No,that does not sound right.Ghaar as in cave.Tanhai kai ghaar mai doba tha wo.
Second couplet: I know weak balance.
Third:There IS sense in it for me. 😛
Fourth:Why no error that’s why? 🙄
Fifth:
I know,I like things being simple.I believe there lies beauty in simplicity.I don’t want my poems to reach Allah Iqbal s level or anything close to it,yet.This is because at the moment my aim is to write things which I feel comfortable with and a larger audience can comprehend.Plus,I do wish to master the art of summarizing.
Last couplet:
Oh nice,tarweeni,sounds cute. XD No actually it wasn’t exactly supposed to be like that when I had originally written it was like this:
Umeed bharay dil ka shayad malik tha wo,
Khuda ka yaqeenan aabid tha wo,
Magar maut ka yaqeenan sabir tha wo.
Jasai koi jala howa gulab tha wo.
It wouldnt have been a tarweeni if I put it up like that,but I did.It was my fate to discover the word tarweeni.
Jee,it means kai maut ka liye sabr karnai wala tha wo.You didn’t exactly get my point so I will copy and paste my comments which explain that,if you still don’t get it,ask me again.
What I’m trying to say in this poem is that…umm
I’m talking about a human being whose life is full of misery,pain and difficulty.
But this person does not let his current situation have an effect on anyone elses life.
He commands his sadness be hide in more than one way.He helps others and admires their joy.
He could if he wanted to,end his tough life with suicide,but he believed that God would reward him for being patient and waiting for his death.
Magr maut ka haqeeqatan sabir tha wo.
Wo apni dard bhari zindagi jab chahta khatam kar sakta tha,khudkhushi kar kai.Lekin wo apni maut ka intezaar karta tha.Halankai uski zindagi dosroon say bohat hi buri thi lekin uski khushi unki madad aur unko khush dekhnai mai thi.Us ka yaqeen tha kai khuda usko is sabr ka ajr daingai.
I hope that makes sense to you as much as it did to me.
Wasai ye inti achi explanation nahi thi shayad,sorry.
I wont kill you.Technology isn’t that advanced yet. 😛 Just kidding!
Do mention the other things.You will feel satisfied and I will feel less curious.I like honest criticism.
I actually feel a tiny bit sorry for you,that you had to read a poem with so many mistakes. Poor you!
Thank you for taking the time for that comment.
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Listen (idk your name :p) its basic ghaar and tanhai are both feminine so I wont say anything else about it.
Fourth one I liked was yes it was an actual couplet.
Dekho sabr museebat aur azmaish pe kia jata ha. Zindagi azmaish ha mout is ka ikhtetaam. Mout ka intezar kia jata ha zindagi pe sbr. But jaisa ap kaho maan laite hain.
Plus I will settle on it for a free verse poem called azad nazm.
You think for someone who can understand the farsi poetry of ghalib, this poem is difficult to understand? Hahaha
It is a poem written on the structure of a ghazal but it fails the structure. I wont touch a poem. But I can help someone with ghazal writing. Its my art. If you read my ghazals on my blog u might know about my level.
Don’t be sorry it was good that u can take critism and try to improve. I critised Mahaah yesterday and she couldn’t take it. Atleast you are different. I didn’t get the notification of your reply so I just had to check the entire post.
Hope you are having sweet dreams atm. 🙂
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Why do you need to be so unpolite? Maybe you are a wonderful poet, I don’t know & honestly I don’t want to visit your blog because you seem to be such a mean person, for what I read from you here & on Mahaah’s blog. Criticising is a good thing, if it’s meant to help the person, but you destroy the person. Why don’t you just propose your critics in a kind manner? Anyone would accept it.
When someone write something from his heart, you don’t have the right to tell him that it’s bad. Po
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Replying by the order of your comment sister 🙂
Unpolite? I am sorry she didn’t find it unpolite and if she did i have no issues apologising she just has to tell me that not you i guess.
I guess i didn’t invite you to read my blog and i dont want your opinion about my poetry sister 🙂
Next, you as woman should know better how is it like to be judged by someone who doesn’t even know your name 🙂 you called me a mean person for my 2 3 comments. You judged my character when u dont know much about me. I will leave that between Allah and you. I still respect you because you are my muslim sister. 🙂
I was helping her and she was responding. She learned something from me as she mentioned that in her comment.
Sister you do not have any right to criticize my criticism in such manner as I was having a writers’ debate with her. Ask her if she is hurt or sth and i will say sorry but where i stand she was replying with passion and dedication to improve. Look at the length of her comments. If she was offended she would have avoided me like Mahaah did.
May Allah’s bless you and your family.
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Ameen sister or brother.
All that you said is true, maybe she was not offended by your comments, I never said she was but I was. Even if you were not writing to me. And You are right, I should not judge your character, maybe you’re not mean. I should have said: “your comments were mean & your way of criticising was not constructive, even if your critics probably were. I just say I didn’t like when you wrote such things like “what was that?” I think it’s not kind.
Anyway, may Allah bless you.
Salam.
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I forgive you for your words. I am sorry if i was rude or sth to you. I will try to change my way of criticism inshaAllah. I am a brother 🙂 what was that meant if it was supposed to be a ghazal or poem…
Wa alaikum assalam.
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Words sweet words, you are so powerful! 😉
How come I find you nice & kind right now? Haha See, words can mean a lot to people who receive them, & you obviously know that since you write poetry & you analyse others poems. I’m sure everyone would appreciate your help if you explain the “weaknesses” of their poems without writing mean things. Be positive! Such as “if I may, I shall give you some advices” instead of “this is weak and naive.”
Take this from a highly sensitive sister who can be really hurt by words 🙂
As you know, it’s a difficult step for us to share our writings with others, & of course we shall accept critics to improve, it all depends of the way the critic is written 😉 May Allah protect you.
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Thank you 🙂 i realised what you wanted to say to me…
I am a human :p i apologised to mahaah and we settled it.
I will be careful from now on about the way i write my critics.
May Allah protect everyone 🙂
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Ameen
Alhamdulillah 🙂
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🙂
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Call me Inky or Accidentally Inked,if you like.My mind cannot accept tanhai ki ghaar mai. XD It just sounds funny.
That is also a good point.What I was trying to say was he could have ended his life,but he chose not to!
Aap ko jo sahi lagai aap wo maanai.
My poem is easy,for everyone. Obviously.I actually like that,Alhmadulillah.
I did NOT intend to write a ghazal.
I am not exactly interested in ghazals.Yes,In sha Allah if I get the time I will,but I have a feeling that it will take me sometime to understand your ghazal because of your level. 😛
In sha Allah.
Mahaah..come on her poems are great! 😀 Masha Allah.
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Inky haha is se to pinky keh de bnda :p khair i want to tell you k koi level ya difference ki bat nahi ha everyone is welcome to read and if you do not understand it then its my duty to explain it to you. Feel free to ask anything and thank you for being kind with me and if i said something harsh then i am sorry.
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To phir aap accidentally ink hi kah dain. 😛
Thank you In sha Allah I will come when I have the time.
Oh yes I will definitely ask you and clear my doubts.
Its alright.
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My name is Nayab. Names are a better identity.
Will be waiting for your visit and feedback.
God bless
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I wish I could understand
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I will try to translate. 🙄
In sha Allah.
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I don’t think I did a good job but haha I tried.If anyone out there who is reading it can do a better job please do. 😛
Translation:
In the depths of misery he had drowned,
Loneliness was where he lived.
In castle of silence,he would take shelter,
About humans desires,he knew all about.
He was the seeker of,understanding pain and misery.
He was the master of,hard word and labour.
But about fun and pleasure,he knew not,
Of moons glow,he was not aware of.
Making others happy,he considered his job.
Behind his smile,he would hide all his sadness.
Perhaps,the owner of a hopeful heart he was.
Gods worshiper,he truly was.
But a waiter for his death,he definitely was!
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Wow this is really touching. & this is only the translation so I can’t imagine in Urdu!
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Hehe actually in Urdu also it is quite simple. 🙄
It is just that when I translate in English it feels a bit broken. XD
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What I’m trying to say in this poem is that…umm
I’m talking about a human being whose life is full of misery,pain and difficulty.
But this person does not let his current situation have an effect on anyone elses life.
He commands his sadness be hide in more than one way.He helps others and admires their joy.
He could if he wanted to,end his tough life with suicide,but he believed that God would reward him for being patient and waiting for his death.
Like a burned rose he was. < That is the title of the poem!
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Beautiful! Thank you for the effort of translation
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No problem at all. ❤
I read all your comments. 🙄
PS you are too sweet!
Allah la y7ermni mnek!
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Yes, I know I’m sweet! Hahaa
Ameen ya ukhti! Uhibbuki fillah ❤️
I love saturdays because it’s the day you publish 😉
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Yus,I am just reminding you. 😛
❤ Sum Ameen!
I like Saturdays too because it is when I get to post plus a holiday. 😉
Logging out from WP,till next Saturday In sha Allah arrives.Pray for me.
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The last line ❤
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😀
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First of all, thank you for uploading the transliterated version.
I could sense a patient soul in your poem. Someone who believes that the duniya is a prison for the believers.
This line made me feel the underlying sadness
“Magr lutf o maza na jaanta tha wo”
And I loved how you didn’t end the poem with a couplet. That last single line; that break from symmetry put the words in contrast to the rest of the poem, which emphasised their meaning.
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Welcome 🙂
I’m glad you could see it that way.
Haha really? XD Actually when I wrote it it was supposed to be a couplet.It ended up being a tarweeni.
That is a word I learned yesterday. 😛
Honoured!
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Wow. That was good! I was waiting for a Saturday post and it was nice. Simply written. And don’t worry, people like you and me, we’re beginners. Amateurs. Criticism will always follow. It’s a little heart breaking, but at least someone put in the extra effort to tell you. 🙂
I like the message. We tend to have that part somewhere, and you put it through in a way that relates 🙂
Hope you’re good!
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Thank you so much! You are so sweet,always. ❤
Yes, plus it is something different. Haha.XD
I'm glad you do. (:
Alhamdulillah I am doing well. How are you?
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I’m well too Alhamdulillah 🙂 Just running around sorting stuff haha.
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Alhamdulillah.Good luck with that.
I will be waiting for your next blog post.:)
I hope Uni gives you time.:P
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Sorryyy for disturbing u but THIS WAS JUST AWESOME!
WOW
*gaping at the poem*
❤❤❤❤
MashAllah and keep it up!,👍
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I finished what I had thought I would.Not disturbed at all. 😀
Thank you so much for your sweet comment! In sha Allah.
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Welcome, sweetie! ❤
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The last line was amazing! 🙂
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Thank you 😀
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Hi Hiba,I wanted to ask you something. 🙂
Previously under your username there was another blog bulbulay something? You changed it to your current blog address.From where did you do that?
A blogger made a small mistake in the address,I though if you tell me I could tell her.
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Subhan’Allah this is just amazing. اللَّهُـمَّ بارك لك. Although there were a few words I didn’t know the meanings of, this poem really touched me. It’s not just beautifully written but also deep and meaningful. I didn’t understand one thing though, why do you describe the rose as “burned”? One who is hopeful and has faith doesn’t despair and is content no matter what the situation is. So I don’t get why gham ke konwain mein dooba tha woh? And what does maut ka sabir mean? I’m sure I’m missing something here 😀
It felt like I was reading a poem out of an Urdu textbook. Very professional Masha’Allah. Loved it!!! 💖💖
May Allah سبحانه و تعالى bless you, ukhti. Ameen!
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Jazakillah khair for your sweet words! Which words did you not understand,maybe I can help you.
I described it as burned rose because the person is beautiful which is due to his/her good deeds and neat intentions.Burned,because though the person is beautiful he/she himself/herself is in pain,has to go through tough times.He/she is content and that is one reason he/she still lives on this planet.I think these words were good because they described both what others saw and what were the behind the scenes.
I do actually agree with what you have said,totally.
Gham mai doobnai ki kai wojohaat ho sakti hain.Lekin it is his hope and faith that keeps him going.
Sabir is from the word sabr,someone who has sabr is sabir.Like someone who has ilm is alim.
About the explanation,I will just copy paste my comment 🙄
What I’m trying to say in this poem is that…umm
I’m talking about a human being whose life is full of misery,pain and difficulty.
But this person does not let his current situation have an effect on anyone elses life.
He commands his sadness be hide in more than one way.He helps others and admires their joy.
He could if he wanted to,end his tough life with suicide,but he believed that God would reward him for being patient and waiting for his death.
I hope that makes sense to you as much as it did to me. XD
Urdu textbook…professional…my poem?Wow that means alot really! ❤
I am so very happy you liked this!
Sum Ameen.ALLAH SWT bless you too.Ameen!
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Jazak Allah khair for the detailed explanation, it really helped put things in perspective. First off, I really like the fact that you put so much thought into the title “burned roses”, the idea of what’s apparent versus what’s hidden is amazing. Masha’Allah. I never thought of it that way and that’s why I was kinda confused. I do know that sabir means patient but didn’t understand the context you used it in. I read it as “He/She will be patient when death comes” you know like “nafs mutma’innah” “the content soul” mentioned in verses 27-30 of Surah Al-Fajr. But I’m guessing from your explanation that you actually meant that he/she is waiting for death? Hmmm…probably this person has gone through a lot and wants death to end all the pain forever, most people, on the contrary, fear death. Anyway, beautiful poem! I would love to read more of your Urdu poetry insha’Allah. 😊 Keep up the good work!! اللهم بارك لك أختي! ❤❤
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Waeeyaki.Good to hear that it helped. Thank you so much ❤
Yes,it is a bit confusing the sabir part specially.Yes,the person is waiting for death.
You know the thing is that emaan ghat ta aur barhta rehata hai.
So maybe,there could be a time when saying that he/she had drowned in misery wouldn't be wrong,but when he/she also does have a patient personality and a firm believe in Gods mercy.
Jazakillah khair for your sweet words!
I will In sha Allah.
Shukran ya ukhti for your prayers. ❤
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Oh yeah you’re right! I can totally understand the thing about increasing and decreasing eeman. That makes sense. Thank you! 😁 Jazak Allah khair ukhti. May Allah bless you! 😊💗
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Waeeyaki ya ukhti ❤
May He bless you too Ameen.
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Ameen ❤
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